06.25.08
Posted in Girlfriend Newsletters at 12:37 pm by Administrator
Introduction
In the previous newsletter I talked about opening up to embrace all women as girlfriends. Beginning to put yourself out there as a girlfriend and really seeing the women in your life. We talked about your being trustworthy, impeccable and available. Now I need to talk about putting up boundaries.
Newsletter Blog
Setting Up Boundaries
This has to be the hardest part for me. I love people. I love being available to people and I, with my own natural curiosity, don’t always know when to pull back. Sometimes I let people talk too long, hold my attention too long or keep me busy doing for them, something that has nothing to do with me or feeding my spirit. And I am not talking about this in a selfish spirit, I am talking about talking to -and doing for -others when it takes from what I should be doing or what I need to be taking care of for myself.
When I am heading home from this particular task or when I get off the phone from talking too long, there is a feeling of frustration that doesn’t do me any good! This is where boundaries come in. Only you can decide where your personal boundary must be and in keeping yourself open to other women’s needs and in trying to be a great girlfriend yourself, these lines aren’t always clear.
A question to be aware of may help form clearer lines.
In the circumstance and encounter with this girlfriend, do I feel drained?
Do you come away from this encounter with a sense of frustration because it took energy and spirit from you? When giving out personal time and energy on another, we must have a way of filling back up. When you have a particular person that takes from you emotionally, pulling from you to feed themselves, it will ware your spirit down. When you choose to continue an open relationship with this girlfriend, you must be clear about how much you have of yourself to give. Make a mental note of how long you are willing to spend on the phone with them and sometimes how many times a day! Make mental notes of how much personal time you will physically give them and how often. On a weekly, monthly or yearly basis. Then in a spirit of loving -remember they may not know how to be a girlfriend and are reaching out and clinging to you without their own boundaries in place -you must say no sometimes. You don’t have to say no with an excuse. You are allowed to just say no. Saying “I am not able to” and leaving out the excuses keeps the other person from being able to ‘fix’ your reasoning and getting it worked out so your no just became an ‘okay’. And then you’re frustrated! Keep your no to a truthful statement and remember, less is more. When you leave a situation drained and angry, what kind of a girlfriend are you? And then you call another girlfriend to dump about that girlfriend and then it becomes a gossip fest!
Having personal boundaries set up also keep you from taking on their stuff for your own. And we all have done it. Girlfriend calls with all her stuff. You take it on as a personal mission to fix or help to make her feel better. Not your job. When you take this on a personal level and take it on with your own stuff, you are weighing yourself down with something that isn’t yours and you can’t fix. And it’s not your job to fix. When you are constantly giving money, advice, time and energy you are taking on their stuff! When this is not being reciprocated at any level, this is not a girlfriend relationship! This may be a woman you want to stay open to and be available for and this is fine. Just be sure your boundaries are in place and you are not being drained.
Maybe the best description I have come across is this; we all have our own stuff. We are all carrying weights that must be taken care of. Burdens that must be worked through. That are OURS to work through. We have friends, kids and people in our lives who also have these burdens and weights. Perhaps in our understanding of God or Spirit, we think that we have been asked to carry our sisters burdens. We have been asked to take on ourselves what our sister can not carry. Wrong. Being supportive and loving and giving a hand up does not include taking the burden from them and carrying it. When we take that burden completely from them we take away their opportunity for growth and their opportunity for learning. And we miss the lesson for ourselves. To just be there. To sometimes just listen.
Permalink
06.08.08
Posted in My Life at 2:50 am by Administrator
A topic of conversation came up recently wanting to know what to do when your baby won’t stop crying. “What can I do to fix it”?
My daughter Jordan was only a month and a half when she developed Colic. Now I call it Colic because in every sense of the word, I couldn’t get her to calm down or stop crying. Is it a belly ache? I tried feeding, she’s not hungry. I tried rocking, she arched her back. I tried laying her down, her crying increased to an ear piercing scream! So, I did the only thing I, a single mom at the age of 23, knew to do. I cuddled her up in a blanket, held her close to my chest, walked outside in the cool Orlando March air and I held her. Singing softly and talking to her softly and concentrating on my breathing quietly. I knew the only thing I could do would be to calm myself and be the comfort to her she would come to expect. When there was absolutely nothing else I could do, I had to let her cry. And I had to be there for her while she did. Calmly be there for her. Such is life.
Even with our girlfriends. When they need to cry. When the circumstances surrounding them is something we can’t fix. Nor do we need to fix. Sometimes all they need us to do is let them cry. And, perhaps we just need to focus on our breathing, we need to stay calm and we need to be the comfort they expect.
Permalink
06.07.08
Posted in Girlfriend Newsletters at 7:20 pm by Administrator
I am sitting on my back porch, coffee by my side, preparing to write up my first Celebrate, Girlfriend! newsletter. Thoughts are running thru my mind trying to formulate and put this together mentally before sitting down to write. The thoughts are 1. How did I get here and 2. My original girlfriends watching this growth process. Lynn, Stephanie, Jordan, Lynnette, Lorena, Sheryl, Glyn, Debora, Daphne, Carmen, Cathy, Nicole, Connie, Tabbi, Tracy, Alison, Alyson, Lysa, Debbie, Jessica, Phyllis, Shannon, Sherri, Marcy, Teresa, Angie, Carol, Dawn, Diane, Kristie, Maria, Ruby, Sandy, Tammi. I mention these names knowing that I may have left off a few, they are in no particular order and I don’t talk to every single one of them every single day. Some I may only talk to a couple times a year. Not all of them know each other or of each other. However, when we do re-connect there is a sense of knowing we have always been there and would have answered the phone, jumped to help or just listened should any one of us have needed it. So, with just an idea and based on many wonderful women in my life, Celebrate, Girlfriend! came to be.
NEWSLETTER BLOG:
Embracing All Women As Girlfriends!
“I don’t have any girlfriends!” This has to be the number one comment I hear when talking to women about Celebrate, Girlfriend! or when giving an invitation to an event. My first thought is always “Are you a girlfriend?” Let’s take a moment to look at ourselves. Let’s examine our own hearts in this matter. A girlfriend is a woman who embraces you exactly as you are. Not always in agreement with the choices you make, men you hang out with or the way you raise your kids. A girlfriend, however, honors you as a woman and allows you to make personal choices, without judgment. A girlfriend always speaks the truth to you. In a spirit of love and true concern and with the ability to let it go. Because ultimately the personal choices are still yours to make, no matter the situation. A girlfriend is trustworthy and always keeps a confidance. A girlfriend is not jealous. She stands beside you in your excitement, not wanting to take from you in order to make herself look or feel better. She wants to give you more. More encouragement, joy, hugs, smiles and “way to go’s”!
So the question comes back to you. Are you a girlfriend? Before you can fuss about not having any, start today living as one. And it’s not about going out and finding someone whose business you can get into. It’s not about getting in on the office gossip in order to have something to talk about. It is about you. You getting up at this moment and setting your intentions on being the best girlfriend YOU can be. Begin to see the small things that are brought to you each day. Become impeccable with your word s and actions, as well as holding every single thing said to you in complete confidance. You be the one who doesn’t gossip. Take this next day and begin to see the women in your life. Really see them. See them for every hurt, anger and frustration they have been through, as well as seeing them for every joy and blessing they have had. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just begin to see them. As you begin to really see them, embrace them. In your mind, heart and spirit, embrace all women as girlfriends. I am not saying to begin dumping on them, nor letting them dump on you. I am saying to open up, in your spirit, the idea that all women are girlfriends. All women have the same basic needs and desires. You are now making a conscious choice to be available. You are being intentional about opening up and becoming a girlfriend.
Women need each other! Women need girlfriends! They are not all going to be close confidantes nor will they all be the first one you call when your life is falling apart -or coming together beautifully. However, each one has a place and belongs. Open up to the women around you. Begin to see their value. Notice the women who lift you up and encourage you in being the best YOU you can be.
Next Newsletter: Setting Personal Boundries
Girlfriends honor us and our choices ~although they may not agree~
Girlfriends live without judgment.
Girlfriends live without jealousy.
Girlfriends honor confidences.
Girlfriends lift us up without rescuing us.
Girlfriends always live in truth ~and that truth being spoken in love~
Girlfriends Celebrate our differences.
Girlfriends know how to listen. Just listen.
Girlfriends know how to love themselves
and so then are able to love us ~unconditionally
~ Girlfriends Celebrate! ~Rachel
Permalink
