06.25.08
Boundries -Girlfriend E-Newsletter
Introduction
In the previous newsletter I talked about opening up to embrace all women as girlfriends. Beginning to put yourself out there as a girlfriend and really seeing the women in your life. We talked about your being trustworthy, impeccable and available. Now I need to talk about putting up boundaries.
Newsletter Blog
Setting Up Boundaries
This has to be the hardest part for me. I love people. I love being available to people and I, with my own natural curiosity, don’t always know when to pull back. Sometimes I let people talk too long, hold my attention too long or keep me busy doing for them, something that has nothing to do with me or feeding my spirit. And I am not talking about this in a selfish spirit, I am talking about talking to -and doing for -others when it takes from what I should be doing or what I need to be taking care of for myself.
When I am heading home from this particular task or when I get off the phone from talking too long, there is a feeling of frustration that doesn’t do me any good! This is where boundaries come in. Only you can decide where your personal boundary must be and in keeping yourself open to other women’s needs and in trying to be a great girlfriend yourself, these lines aren’t always clear.
A question to be aware of may help form clearer lines.
In the circumstance and encounter with this girlfriend, do I feel drained?
Do you come away from this encounter with a sense of frustration because it took energy and spirit from you? When giving out personal time and energy on another, we must have a way of filling back up. When you have a particular person that takes from you emotionally, pulling from you to feed themselves, it will ware your spirit down. When you choose to continue an open relationship with this girlfriend, you must be clear about how much you have of yourself to give. Make a mental note of how long you are willing to spend on the phone with them and sometimes how many times a day! Make mental notes of how much personal time you will physically give them and how often. On a weekly, monthly or yearly basis. Then in a spirit of loving -remember they may not know how to be a girlfriend and are reaching out and clinging to you without their own boundaries in place -you must say no sometimes. You don’t have to say no with an excuse. You are allowed to just say no. Saying “I am not able to” and leaving out the excuses keeps the other person from being able to ‘fix’ your reasoning and getting it worked out so your no just became an ‘okay’. And then you’re frustrated! Keep your no to a truthful statement and remember, less is more. When you leave a situation drained and angry, what kind of a girlfriend are you? And then you call another girlfriend to dump about that girlfriend and then it becomes a gossip fest!
Having personal boundaries set up also keep you from taking on their stuff for your own. And we all have done it. Girlfriend calls with all her stuff. You take it on as a personal mission to fix or help to make her feel better. Not your job. When you take this on a personal level and take it on with your own stuff, you are weighing yourself down with something that isn’t yours and you can’t fix. And it’s not your job to fix. When you are constantly giving money, advice, time and energy you are taking on their stuff! When this is not being reciprocated at any level, this is not a girlfriend relationship! This may be a woman you want to stay open to and be available for and this is fine. Just be sure your boundaries are in place and you are not being drained.
Maybe the best description I have come across is this; we all have our own stuff. We are all carrying weights that must be taken care of. Burdens that must be worked through. That are OURS to work through. We have friends, kids and people in our lives who also have these burdens and weights. Perhaps in our understanding of God or Spirit, we think that we have been asked to carry our sisters burdens. We have been asked to take on ourselves what our sister can not carry. Wrong. Being supportive and loving and giving a hand up does not include taking the burden from them and carrying it. When we take that burden completely from them we take away their opportunity for growth and their opportunity for learning. And we miss the lesson for ourselves. To just be there. To sometimes just listen.
