09.26.08
Getting Still
Every time I get still I get shaky. Every time I take time to sit quietly and do nothing, I feel my body tremble. Sometimes slightly and sometimes so I know I couldn’t stand if I wanted to.
I used to feel, many years ago, that if I ever stopped I would fall apart. If I ever took time to sit still and listen or work on me, I would absolutely fall a part. I got along so well using dry humor and sarcasm to talk about things in my past, knowing they had to be dealt with in reality, yet I was too scared of the process.
So I stayed busy. And manic. Happy and friendly on the outside, yet a state of depression inside. Fearing a journey of healing would include the process of falling apart. I had two kids. No one to take care of them should this happen. So I stayed in the place of fear. And doubt. Bad decisions, Anger. Bitterness. Heavy depression.
What a pleasant surprise to find my healing took place without my falling apart! What a surprise to realize this wonderful healing process did not have to include my turning every nook and cranny of my childhood upside down and inside out. This process did not include answering or figuring out all the garbage that I had been through or rehashing memories and figuring out what my parents should have done or didn’t do. This healing truly was as simple as forgiving myself. Truly realizing a self love for the woman I am. Then bringing this to a lifestyle of loving without expectations and forgiving without exception.
Boundaries have become a necessary part of my life (although truth be told I may always be working on those). Living a life of love and forgiveness does not mean accepting everything that comes your way and having to live with those circumstances or people cluttering up your space. More simply, it means first of all loving yourself enough to keep your space clear of the negativity. Then when circumstances or people do enter your space, with whatever agenda or expectations they may have, you are more easily able to let them go in a spirit of love and able to forgive whatever may have been meant to hurt, without taking more than a moment for the process.
I see circumstances and people coming into my own life with their stuff, their agenda or with what they think is cool or desired and it seems the more practice I have with these circumstances, the quicker they are to leave. My level of amusement has risen as I see more clearly now at the beginning, exactly what is happening and can, more quickly and clearly, watch as it exits my space. All in a spirit of love as well as the firm belief and knowledge that with my boundaries in place, there is no way for the foolishness to get so close - no way for the insincerity to find a place of rest - no way for chaos and negativity to take root and stay. I watch with equal amusement as they enter and as they leave. Perhaps I will start timing this process! *smile*
Now I am working on another level. Something deeper in this life I am living and the inevitable change that takes place within this life. I am seeing my needs and desires perhaps on a more intense level that I have not yet grasped. So I see myself start to get busy, yet less manic than before. I see myself start having a whole lot going on with much of it having absolutely nothing to do with what I want or need to be doing. It is time to stop again. To take time to be still and listen. To notice the weakness in my body, or the way my insides feel like jello. And know that a breakthrough does not have to include a breakdown. I just have to stop, take time to listen, and be aware when the answers come.
Getting Still
From “Until Today” by Iyanla Vanzant
Everything has to stop at some time in order to keep going. When driving, you must pause at stop lights and stop signe. On a train, there may be stops before you reach your destination. An airplane stops at the head of the runway before it ascends into the sky. Knowing this, why do we believe that we can move from experience to experience withouth stoping, refueling or resting? Most of us will not leave one job until we have another. As soon as one romance is over, we begin our prowl to find another. We go from work to home to work some more. Even a quiet relaxing evening could mean reading, talking, playing with the dog. Some of us feel guilty about doing things that do not earn an income or meet some responsibility of our lives. We believe that doing nothing is not a good thing, when in fact it is the best thing we could do for ourselves. To stop, to rest, or to pause means to do nothing. It means no thinking! No moving! No decisions! When you press the pause button on the audio machine, everything stops. No picture, no sound, no movement. The images and sounds of life must come to a halt if you want to have a clear picture about what to do next. What a blessing it is to puch the pause button. To have the ability to stop and gather strength or to wait until things have passed before turning a corner and moving forward. A pause in life’s journey does not mean that nothing is happening. In reality, it is a divine opportunity to be present and catch up with all that is going on. Until today, you may have been afraid to stop moving or doing in life. Just for today, push the pause button. Be still. Shut down. Stop your movement just long enough to check up on yourself. Unless you pause, you may not know if you are fast-forwarding or going in reverse.
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